Mother's Day and special moments

♥♥♥ Happy Mother's Day to my dear mom in heaven...I love and miss you! ♥♥♥

I went to town this morning and got some flowers for a dear friend and neighbor of mine (who also lost her mom and has no children like me). It bothered me some and made me a little sad to see daughters with their elderly mothers walking around at the nursery. I felt like telling all the daughters to enjoy and cherish every single moment with their moms, because tomorrow may never come. We should all live every day like this....like it's our last day on earth.....and to appreciate every waking moment with our moms or any loved one, whether it be family or a dear friend.

Doing something today for my friend made her day, and it made mine, to watch her open her card from my vantage point in my back yard. Just to see her face and lovely smile when she was walking towards me, carrying her plant, and to give me a hug!!!

If you know of someone who is alone today, give them a call or do something special for them, anything at all, to brighten their day....doing something for others always lifts one's spirits!

Enjoy your day!

I need a fix

All too often I find myself stuck in the rut of routine. Over and over, it's the same, week after week. And sometimes, it's those trips out in nature, even if it's in my own back yard, away from everything, that remind me what being at peace is like. I call them my "nature fixes", and I have to have them. If I don't, I tend to go a little stir crazy and even get a little grumpy. That's the free spirit in me.

We all need a place to go.....to free us of everything that is trying to hold onto us, and  pull us down. My freeing place? It doesn't really matter where I go---it's just being out in nature:  listening to the birds, sitting by the calmness of water, smelling the flowers, driving on a country road, and just seeing the ethereal beauty of what God has created. Just me and my camera. This is my happy place.

Expecting too much

Living with chronic illnesses and pain are quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Especially when a lot of the symptoms are "invisible" to the eye.

My expectations are generally set way too high and I feel a lot of guilt when I can't keep up with day-to-day activities. I get overwhelmed very easily. This is probably true of many people with chronic illnesses. We try to compete with "normalcy". Therefore, I've been trying to change my way of thinking and accomplishing things for quite some time. These are the areas that I experience great difficulty. I think that my years of having a job that I had to be organized and scheduled have paid their toll on me. I'm just not that person any more.....and that bothers me. I haven't been that person for at least 20 years.

Have you ever been upset but really can’t figure out why? I can’t explain or understand the reason, but for quite some time I have been upset at the world. I am in what some people might call a “funk.” This is where no matter what you do or what good happens you can’t seem to be happy. When I get these feelings, I try to change my attitude and snap out of it, and I ask myself why am I feeling this way? When I experience these feelings, I sit up straight, take a long deep cleansing breath, then smile and think "I really am basically happy with my life". I tell myself that I need to get out.....get out and do some shopping, just be around people, but when I get in a "funk" like I have been, the last thing on my mind is going out in public and mingling. I just don't feel well and applying makeup is just too much of an effort (getting out is just too much of an effort). So either I go out without makeup, which is really no big deal, but I don't feel as good about myself as I do with it on. I feel "polished" and "dressed" when I am all spiffed up in a nice outfit and jewelry.

My husband tries his best to get me interested in the world around me. We have a lovely yard that we are landscaping (I help plan and he does the hard work, which he enjoys), and we're remodeling our ranch home (again I help to plan the projects and he does the hard work, which he enjoys). In order to push through the  "funk", I have been halfheartedly agreeing to venture outside of my four walls hoping that an outing will snap me out of it. So far it has not helped. Or if it does, it only fixes the problem short-term. Sometimes going out actually makes it worse. Being amongst a bunch of able-bodied people bothers me. Jealousy? You bet! When I see people walking around and being active I wish I could join them. I become envious and resentful. I can't do what they're doing because of my body's widespread pain, weakness, heat intolerance, lack of balance, stamina, and my biggest nemesis, fatigue. This reality ruins the purpose of the entire outing. As usual, I seem to play a mere observer.

I try hard to have a healthy outlook and try to focus on what I "can do", but that "trick" can only take me so far before I begin to reminisce about the "old days". The measures I used in the past to stop the “funk” aren’t as effective anymore. My attempts at outside excursions have fallen short and thinking happy thoughts seem more like a cliché than a remedy. Everything seems more difficult to me. My “new normals” are coming faster than I can accommodate; faster than I bargained for.

I am so blessed, and grateful, to have friends that understand my weaknesses and limitations. They understand if, at the last moment, I don't feel like doing anything. God has definitely had His hand in giving me good Christian friends.....and I am also blessed that He gave me such a loving Christian husband that is so patient, kind, supportive, and also understands. I know that "my being the way I am" has to be very hard on him, and I feel badly about that. But I don't know what I'd do without any of them, or what I would do without God in my life. Even though I am very grateful for everything I have and for how God has blessed me, my chronic illnesses do not make this road any easier for me. I just live day to day and am thankful for every one of them.

Dandy-lions

~♥~ A handful of dandelions that
 are given with love mean as much
 to me as a dozen roses ~♥~

Lazy rainy day...

Lazy Rainy Day

I find it oh so difficult to accomplish certain chores

When the gentle sound of the pitter-patter of rain

Keeps luring me to the window

To watch my flowers grow

I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud

"I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.”
― William Wordsworth, I Wander'd Lonely as a Cloud"

Birthdays and memories

I'm really behind on my writing! This year's birthday has come and gone.....it was wonderful, but it wasn't the same as it has been in the past. I rarely do anything very special on my birthday, perhaps dinner out with my husband. I don't mean to sound like that isn't special, because it is! Any time spent with Brian is special, even when it's not my birthday. This year it just felt...hmmm the only word that comes to my mind is "unfulfilled". I had a lovely birthday lunch with two of my dear friends, which I thoroughly enjoyed! It just made my day that they'd carve out a little spot in their day for me!

I had written in an earlier post about how this year's birthday was going to be different for me since my mom is gone. Something we both looked forward to was calling each other throughout the day, and me asking her how she was feeling so and so many years ago and she'd laugh and have a clever response. I'd call her right up until 4:16 p.m., the time I was born.....April 12, 1956.....my golden birthday was when I was 12 on April 12th, so what is the day called when you're the same age as the year you're born?

My husband Brian is very generous all of the time. He gave me a wonderful gift, as he knows how much I enjoy writing. I am sitting here on my comfy leather sofa with my cat Holly Noel snuggled up against me.....typing on my.....birthday present.....a laptop! I'm slowly giving into the world of technology, and with my personality, I find it difficult to change! But I'm sure I'll adapt :)

 

I'm looking forward to taking my laptop different places this year to get inspired, whether it's Eli's for coffee or Panera's, on vacation, or out in my back yard. It will be a different environment for me, and that's a good thing. I tire of sitting at the desktop!

Simple things...

The smallest of things DO make the biggest impression.....to perhaps a person that is lonely, scared, grieving, sad, or "just because".....and May Day is coming upon us fast~~~perhaps a little bundle of wildflowers such as violets; and one of my favorites, Queen Anne's lace; or even a casual lilac bouquet~~~would make all the difference in the world.....at least to them ~♥~

Praising God!

Four years ago today I was dreading surgery...having to have two of my lobes in my right lung removed...and I was scared. The malignant tumors were close to my heart and I had been told how difficult this surgery was going to be...and how it would be more painful than open-heart surgery. At that time, I had no idea of the pain I was going to be in later, and how it was going to be difficult to control.

My sister Karla kept reminding me (and she still does!) of how she carried my duffle bag all over the hospital. I remember how I had given her that job. My surgery was delayed for several hours and she got so tired of carrying that silly bag!!! She was finally able to get rid of it after my surgery and when I was moved to ICU. She told me it got so late and they all had to get home, and she just laid it on my bed, hoping it wouldn't get lost! She also told me how horrible I looked and was wondering how I'd recover. I don't remember anything but pain and not being able to get comfortable! I don't know why she didn't put the silly bag in her car! I sure didn't think of doing that!

I also remember my mom being there and also my other sister Judy. The three of them didn't leave my side. They got me through that day, and they tried to keep me from thinking too much. Karla told me that after the surgery Mom (being so short) tried to stand up on her toes and hug me and Karla was so afraid she was going to step on all the tubes that were coming out of me and that were laying on the floor. That would have been awful!

I praise God every day for my life. I have trials and tribulations like everyone does, but I am so glad to be alive! My incision is pretty long and it still has quite a bit of numbness from cutting into the nerves, and ever so often I'll stretch or move a certain way and I'll get a twinge of pain in the incision. I think of that twinge as being a reminder, and I just smile, and realize what an awesome God I have in my life!

Fear not.....

I have always read vanity license plates. Some are pretty clever, and some I can't for the life of me figure out what they're trying to say!

I had an appointment to see my oncologist yesterday to get my results from some routine tests. As I was driving on the interstate, a car passed me with the following license plate: FEAR NT 1..... it was such perfect timing for me.....and it was God's timing.....since I was a little anxious to get my results. It was amazing how I instantly felt peace. If God brings me to it, He will get me through it!

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."~Isaiah 41:10

"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." ~Psalm 56:3

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."~ John 14:27

"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God [is] with thee whithersoever thou goest."~Joshua 1:9

April Fools!!!

Tomorrow is April Fool's Day. There's one thing I'm going to miss on this day: I'm going to miss calling my mom. I always succeeded in pulling a good one on her every year. She was so funny!!! She could sure take it and dish it out!

My birthday is also coming up in less than two weeks. That will be a difficult day for me too. Every year I'd call Mom throughout the entire day and say "Hey Mom, how were you feeling 55 years ago??" She'd always have a clever response. One that comes to mind that she'd say was "Is it too late to back out now??" She'd laugh and laugh. She had such a great sense of humor and I loved to hear her laugh, and I loved to laugh with her! She'd also call me during the day to tell me just how bad her labor pains were at that particular time, or she'd be wondering whether I was worth all the pain! I'd call her right up to the time of day I was born, 4:16 p.m. After 4:16 we'd visit on the phone and she always told me I was worth it. Oh how I miss my mom! ♥

Two people's lives

There are times when only a Mom's love can understand our tears, soothe our disappointments, and calm our fears. There are times when only her love can share the joy we feel when something we have dreamed about suddenly is real. There are times when only her faith can help us in life and inspire in us the confidence we need every day. For a Mom's heart, her faith, and her love were sent from God.

Since my mom's passing, I've been trying to help my siblings clean her house to get it ready to sell yet this spring. Last Friday, as I was lovingly folding Mom's clothes, I took the time to hug some of them and tightly clutch them to my face to try to smell her scent, but I was disappointed, as the only scent I smelled was of sickening fabric softener. If I had gotten a whiff of her scent or her perfume, I would have burst into tears. Each piece of clothing that I folded held so many memories. I fondly remembered when she had wore that certain blouse or dress, or remembered the photograph that she had wore it in. I took a couple of her blouses home that are my favorites for a keepsake and as a remembrance of her.

Anything at all that holds a special memory for me, I took home as a remembrance. To name a few,  her chicken figurines, a couple of vintage bowls, odds and ends of pretty glassware.....the gifts that I had given her over the years. Things that have no monetary value at all, but mean the world to me.

Each time I go to Mom's house it gets more difficult. Yesterday in particular was hard and emotional for me.

I walked into the garage and saw all the black bags full of items to be disposed of, along with all the memories that they hold being disposed of too. The very same things that Mom and Dad had held onto for so many, many years. These things were their life, their treasures, things they wouldn't let go. To Mom and Dad their things were worth so much and they would never dream of ever throwing any of it away. Now a lot of their precious things are being sold, given away, or bagged up and thrown away. This makes me feel so terribly sad. Two people's lives.

I sat alone on the floor in that back bedroom that Mom and Dad used for storage. Over the many years together, they had accumulated so many wonderful gifts from loved ones that had eventually overflowed into this little room. I sat and looked through stacks of greeting cards that Mom and Dad had received over the years from their children, grandchildren and other loved ones, some of whom have also passed from their earthly homes....from birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day to Father's Day cards. I read most of the verses on the cards and handwritten notes through tear-filled eyes. I read the love letters from my dad to my mom before they were married, and even some he had written after they married. I read every news clipping that Mom had lovingly and carefully cut out from the newspapers over the past 50 some years. So many cherished memories flooded my mind and soul as tears flooded down my cheeks. I just had to bring home all the cards that I had sent to Mom and Dad as keepsakes.

Some day, far down the road, my family will go through my things.....things that aren't worth anything to them, but they were to me. There'll be black bags in the garage to be thrown away, boxes to go to Goodwill, some things will be sold, and some of my cherished things I hope they will take home as keepsakes and in remembrance of me. My life.

Speaking of noses.....

I absolutely love animal shows (though I do have to turn away when the animals are killing their dinner!) My husband and I have discovered, quite by accident, a good one to watch on Monday nights that we really enjoy on the NatGeoWild channel. It's called "America the Wild" and it's hosted by naturalist Casey Anderson.

Of course the downside of many of these shows are the views on evolution. I just tune that part out. God knew what He was doing when He gave the polar bear the right kind of molars to shred meat. He also knew what He was doing when He gave bears their keen sense of smell, being seven times more sensitive than a blood hounds. These animals just didn't evolve that way!

Speaking of noses.....a camel's nose also performs some extra breathing duties. "As air moves through the nose and nasal passages, it is warmed and moistened. Bacteria and bits of dust and particles get trapped in the mucus inside the passages, and they get eliminated from the body when the mucus is swallowed. Some animals in dry climates can even remove moisture from the air as it is exhaled. The inside of a camel’s lungs is warm and moist. That precious moisture would be lost if it weren’t for the camel’s special nose. The moisture in the air the camel exhales gets trapped by the camel’s large nose and “recycled.” This helps the camel survive in its dry environment." (quoted from Glossopedia)

Camels also have three eyelids per eye so they have a total of six. The extra eyelids help protect it from sandstorms. The third eyelid is translucent so their eyes will be covered during sandstorms. Now is this a product of evolution? I think not! God had it all carefully planned out!

Also...a camel's hump is a giant mound of fat. Does this hump store water for the camel? No.....in a healthy, well-fed camel, the hump can weigh as much as 80 pounds. The hump allows a camel to survive an extremely long time (up to two weeks) without food if needed. Because camels typically live in the desert, where food can be scarce for long stretches, this is important. ­A camel uses about 5 gallons of water a day in the summer. However, a camel can lose up to 25 gallons of water from its body tissues without any ill effects. One thing that a camel can do to conserve water is to handle large body temperature swings. A camel might start the day at 94 degrees and allow its temperature to rise as high as 105 degrees. Only at the upper end of this range does it need to sweat to prevent overheating. When you compare this temperature range to the range the human body can handle (where only a two degree rise indicates illness), you can see the advantage. Does all this sound like I'm obsessed with camels? Well I did ride one once....the two-humped (Bactrian)variety! The one-hump variety are called an Arabian or dromedary. I find camels amazing.

Some more camel facts:

• An adult camel weighs between 700 and 1,500 pounds and is up to 7 feet tall.
• Camels can live to be up to 50 years old.
• Camels gestate about 11 months and give birth to one calf.
• A male reaches maturity in five years, a female in three to four years.
• A camel can close its nostrils.
• A camel, like a goat, will eat almost anything.
• Pack camels can carry loads of 400 pounds, 25 miles in a day.

And how about that arctic fox and snowshoe hare? It's remarkable that they change color with the seasons for camouflage. All octopuses can change their color too. Some frogs can adjust their color according to changes in light, moisture, temperature and even their mood. Whites tree frogs are usually light green. When they move out of a sunny spot in a damp, shady spot they sometimes change to light brown. One type of frog survives in the desert by changing colors from brown to bright white during the bright, sunny hours of the day. The white would reflect the sun so that it can keep from getting dried up in the heat. 

So when I hear that this area or that area with all the canyons and cliffs were evolved over billions and billions of years, I just smile and think to myself,  "Nope, God did that".

Hidden talents...

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."~Erma Bombeck

At this stage in my life, I'm just now finding out some of the talents I never knew I had. Either that or I hadn't recognized what I was given by God as being a talent. I had the distinct impression that a "talent being used for God" was like singing, being a good speaker, or a musician in His ministry.

So now I recognize that one of the talents He gave me is compassion. But I had to "acquire" compassion; it didn't just come naturally to me. I acquired it by personally having various diseases, numerous surgeries, and losing my dad and just recently, my mom. There's been many a time, more than I can even remember, that I've sat in a hospital or doctor's waiting room talking to and consoling someone, and many of those times I've been able to pray with them.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ~Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Doctors and nurses are generally surprised at my good attitude. There again, it is "an attitude" and I try not to let them think that I sit at home and worry about what may happen next.....though as a human being I have to admit that at times I do just that. I want to be a shining example for Jesus and have complete faith and trust in Him. He's the One that gave me peace throughout my cancer diagnosis and subsequent surgery a few years back. He gave me peace when I recently lost my mom. He gives me peace daily when I struggle with multiple sclerosis. Though I must admit, this is harder for me since multiple sclerosis really affects every aspect of my daily life. This disease affects me physically and emotionally due to the damage it's done in my central nervous system. It also affects me by just trying to cope with the pain and strain of a chronic illness. Only supportive family and true friends really understand. I try to cope with this unpredictable disease by reading His Word, praying and listening to Christian music. There's many days that I don't do these things. I forget about doing them when I'm not feeling well. But I really try to. I try to lift my troubles up to Him every day, and to also thank Him for my many blessings. So I really try to have a good attitude.

“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose, there are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.”  ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

"A smile is a curved line that sets things straight"

I have also learned the power of a smile. My dad always smiled at everyone; that's something I fondly remember about him. A smile does amazing things.

When my husband and I were dating, he noticed and was impressed by how I always called people in the service industry, medical personnel, etc. by their first name. I never think about it. I just automatically look at their name tag. I want to know their name. I know how important it is to be noticed and appreciated.

Maybe what I have just listed aren't considered talents by some. But I feel if I can make someone smile, make their day a little happier, or be able to empathize with what they're going through, then I've accomplished something. I give God all the glory.

Loving a cat...

"Loving a cat is a lot like loving a man.....you just have to put up with certain things!"~~~Me

Any door left open is an open invitation to Holly Noel.

My cat Holly is so sweet, but darn it, when she wants something, especially when it's getting close to feeding time, she lets you know it, in no uncertain terms! She'll get in my face, lightly nip at me, cry her little sad song and dance, knock things on the floor and can just plain be a brat! She gets away with way too much at times. But I love her any way and I wouldn't give her up for anything. She is so endearing!

(Oh by the way, I love my husband too, and I wouldn't give him up for anything!)

Holly in black and white

I haven't worked much with black and white photography,

though I would like to learn how to edit them properly.

 I prefer this photo of Holly in black and white

 rather than the colorized version.

I feel that color

 can be distracting

 in certain photographs;

 black and white is striking and reveals much more detail.

Daydream believer.....

Holly daydreaming about the birds

from the bedroom's screened window

Early spring happenings

This afternoon I was in the back yard practicing with my monopod and new lens. I've discovered it's more difficult to photograph birds when they're in heavy cover, due to getting the camera focused correctly. But it's always fun to practice! Lots of cardinals out today flitting around. I think the males were vying for their territory. They were interesting and entertaining to watch.

If you just open your eyes.....

Celebrating 166 posts that I've written and 2,409 hits on my blog!

Of all the people in the world to go down this path called life, God gave me all of you that keep in touch with me through my blog ♥ Each day I get to log on and share real life and real beauty, and it's such an awesome place to be. Even with the bad there is always some good that comes with it, if you just open your eyes and heart.....and look.....

The search continues

So.....I'm still working on some type of volunteer program for myself. I've been doing some soul searching and I realistically don't think I would be able to volunteer for CIRT (Central Illinois Riding Therapy) due to my strength, balance, fatigue and stamina problems with MS, and if not for any other reason, just because of the fluctuating temperatures from March through the fall months. So...moving forward (I'm not going to give up)...I just left a voicemail with someone in an organization to see if I would qualify to volunteer with the disabled in some capacity ♥ I'm looking forward to a return phone call!

Time to do some volunteer work

Another chapter in my life has closed with my Mom now being in heaven, and another one has opened as I am going to try to do some volunteer work ♥

I have to say that I am starting to get excited about doing this! I feel I've found something that I can volunteer for that will help a lot of people; and it has something to do with horses (I love horses!); and it will actually benefit me, enrich my life, and I will be able to serve others ♥

I attended my first class of volunteer training this morning. My reaction to the first of three classes:  it was a bit overwhelming, but I feel there's surely something that I can do in this great organization! I am a little disheartened though and feel some inadequacy since my talents are limited and I cannot do all that I would like to do, but I think the administration will work with me on my limitations. The second class is next Wednesday, so I'm going to make it a point to talk with the administrator about my concerns. I feel the only way to deal with my type of problem, is to face it head on!

The organization is called: CIRT or Central Illinois Riding Therapy, a voluntary, non-profit organization providing riding therapy for people with disabilities. During today's class, the director told me that I would actually qualify to participate in this program (being the one taking and paying for classes to ride the horses to learn better muscle control and balance, etc.), which I already know since I have multiple sclerosis, but I want to be on the other end and help others (leading the horse or walking side by side). Maybe reality is just slapping me in the face, telling me that I wouldn't have the strength or stamina to help others in this way. I'm planning on attending the next two classes to see how I do, and to see how comfortable I feel doing it. Time will tell.....I will have to do my best and see what happens. All I can do is try, right?

I will let you know how next week's volunteer training goes!

Ode to March

I love spring. I love to watch the birds gather twigs and grasses for their nests; hearing baby birds chirping; watching the trees bud and flower; the early wildflowers, the crocus, violets, lily of the valley, grape hyacinths....then the daffodils, hyacinths, and tulips; the grass greening, sometimes it seems just overnight after a gentle spring rain and a little sunshine.....everything is fresh and new.

I even enjoy the March winds. It's as if winter and spring are fighting this battle between themselves.....the wind is rooting for winter to stay on a little longer as it brings in the cold fronts, and at the other end of the spectrum, the calmer days are rooting to be the victor and for spring to start. It's just the inevitable process of spring. Then one day spring is actually here.....in full bloom so to speak! The cold winds of winter surrender and springtime prevails!

In like a lion out like a lamb

"Daffodils that come before the swallow dares, and takes the winds of March with beauty."~~~William Shakespeare

In my opinion, I'd say that March came in like a lamb this year, for my family and myself saw a beautiful 50ish sunny day to lay our Mom to rest on March 1st. The weather couldn't have been more perfect. It was much like the day she went to heaven. But then again March 2nd was definitely like a lion, with cold winds, rain, some sleet and snow flurries. I didn't even stick my head out the door on March 3rd. It was just a good day to stay in and watch a couple of movies. Just seeing the brave people going on their walks, bundled up in their coats, was enough of an excuse for me to stay inside my home and stay warm. So since there was one day out of three that was nice, does that mean that March came in like a lion? The March weather here in Illinois is unpredictable, and I've learned to take it as it comes. Who knows how this March will "go out"! I, of course, am rooting for it going out like a lamb. In March, any type of weather is possible!

The Farmers Almanac states the following: "The truth behind 'In Like a Lion, Out Like a Lamb'.....is there any truth to this saying??? Weather sayings are as colorful as our imagination. While many sayings are based on careful observations and turn out to be accurate, others are merely rhymes or beliefs of the people who came before us."

"Those people often believed that bad spirits could affect the weather adversely, so they were cautious as to what they did or did not do in certain situations. Those beliefs often included ideas that there should be a balance in weather and life. So, if a month came in bad (like a lion), it should go out good and calm (like a lamb)."

"With March being such a changeable month, in which we can see warm spring-like temperatures or late-season snowstorms, you can understand how this saying might hold true in some instances. We can only hope that if March starts off cold and stormy it will end warm and sunny, but the key word is hope. However, this saying seems be to more of a rhyme rather than a true weather predictor."

I just look at it as "what will be, will be"!!!

Roses, lilies and hyacinths

God gave us a perfect sunny day for Mom's funeral. It was a beautiful service too. Mom and dad's pastor of 20 years came down from Chicago to officiate. So many of my friends and family were there for the visitation, funeral, and luncheon. I've never been hugged and kissed so many times in my life! Such love and support.

I had made a slide show for Mom's tribute with over 100 of my scenery, flowers, birds, butterflies and animal photographs, along with some Christian music. It was my first attempt at making one, and I think it turned out nicely. It was something I could do for Mom, and something I really enjoyed putting together. It kept my mind occupied for a couple of days.

As I was looking through my photographs to make the slide show, I remembered which ones I took when Mom was with me. These photographs hold such treasured memories. Mom and I had traveled so much over the countryside, me with my camera in tow. We had so much fun, and Mom and I laughed and laughed so much. We'd get lost so many times, but we never worried aout it. That just made it all the more fun and exciting for us.

My house smells sweetly of roses, lilies and hycacinths. Thank you to my friends that sent me flowers and cards. The roses that I brought home from Mom's beautiful casket spray are hanging upside down to dry. I hope they turn out nice.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers ♥

Don't you know that, Mom?

Dear Mom,

Is it wrong of me to be happy and at peace that you're in heaven now, Mom? I feel guilty for feeling this way. You know how much I love you and miss you, don't you know that, Mom? And don't you know how much I wanted you to feel better when you were here? I'd go to your home and you'd be in so much pain that it tore me apart. I would just get wore out, trying to think of a way to make you feel better.

Whenever I called you and asked you how you were feeling, I"d hold my breath, hoping that you were doing better, but I knew I'd hear the stinging words of "Oh I hurt so bad." Mom, I'd ask you what you were doing and you'd reply "I'm just sitting here" or "I've been sleeping all day". I wanted so much to make you feel better, so that you would be able to get in my car again and go for a country drive and have lunch at the restaurant in Bernadotte. There'd be times I'd call you and you were hurting so badly and couldn't get up with your walker to do anything. I was so afraid  you'd fall. I just felt completely helpless. I wanted you to feel better so badly, don't you know that Mom?

Mom, I did what I thought was right for you. You sprained your ankle in the early fall and had to be put in the nursing home. You know that I put you there so you could get better don't you Mom? You were such a strong woman, doing the exercises in the rehabilitation program. You tried so hard and I was so proud of you. Your ankle got a little bit better, but I knew you couldn't be by yourself any more in your house, even though you got upset and wanted to go home so badly. I found a nice place for you to stay.....where you'd have your own room, some of your own furniture and things, with nurses taking care of you and meals provided in the dining room. I thought you'd be happier there than you were in the nursing home. I think you really tried to be, but it never was home for you, was it. You'd just sit in your room, and didn't even want to watch anything on television, though I tried to encourage you to watch Wheel of Fortune or some of the shows you used to watch.

Mom, please try to understand that only God knew what was right for you. He knew you were getting tired and hurt so badly. You ended up with some bronchitis/pneumonia that just would never completely go away. You'd go to the hospital and they'd treat you, and then you'd go back to your little room.

Please try to understand, Mom, that whenever my phone rang, how my heart would turn wrong side out, and my heart would race, fearing the worst. Don't you know that, Mom? I worried so much about you.

Until that last time you went into the hospital. Your congestive heart failure and kidney failure was just too much for your body to handle. You became so weak and weary. I know you couldn't understand what was going on. I know you couldn't understand why you had to be in the hospital for so many days. It just broke my heart to see you lying there. I didn't want you to see or hear me cry, so I'd leave your side. I tried to make you as comfortable and pain-free as possible, Mom, because I love you so much. I knew that you could never get well. I think you thought that you could get better, and go back home. But God knew better. He had great plans for you, Mom. And I think you know that now. I think you realize that it was God's time for you to go.

Please remember Mom, how much I've loved you and will always love you. I sit here now with a big lump in my throat and tears welling up in my eyes. I don't want to feel guilty for trying my best to take care of you and do what I thought was right for you. I don't want to feel guilty for knowing that you're happier in heaven. I didn't want you to die, don't you know that Mom? If I'd have had my way, you'd have been here forever with me, but be able to walk and feel better like you used to. I don't want to feel guilty about having feelings of wanting you to go home to heaven to be with Jesus. I just didn't want you to hurt like you had been hurting. I didn't want to hear you say that you were short-of-breath. Please forgive me Mom.....I don't want to feel guilty. You know that I love you so very much and that I miss you, don't you know that, Mom?

Love you always and forever,
Kathy  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

P.S. I love you more

My mom

My mom peacefully left this earthly world to be with Jesus the morning of February 25, 2012. Right at this very moment my mom is so full of joy and happiness. She is walking (and dancing) down the streets of gold in heaven with my dad. I rejoice that Mom has no more pain, and is able to walk again! Heaven will be so beautiful! The earthly flesh and daughter side of me misses her and my dad so very much, but the compassionate and Christian side of me knows how happy they both are. I thank God for His loving grace, the peace that passeth all understanding that He has given me, my faith, and for His loving arms that are wrapped around me.

Mom was bound to her lift chair and wheelchair the last few months of her earthly life. She was such a strong woman and had such a will to live. My family and I did as much as we possibly could to make her life easier and more comfortable, but we just couldn't fix it. Now she's fixed and some happy day I will join her and Dad in my heavenly home! Praise God for eternal life through Him!

So many times the last few days I've actually picked up my phone to call Mom, and I am sure I will feel that urge many more times. My car seems like it's been on "automatic pilot" to go to see her for so many years. I just have to keep reminding myself of how she is now pain-free and with her Lord and Savior, Dad and all the rest of the family that have gone on before her.

I miss you so much Mom. I miss hearing your voice, your laughter, your teasing, your wisdom, your phone calls....I'm about to leave to go to Canton, though this time it's not to see you. You have been such a big and such an important part of my life, of my day-to-day activities. I'd call you "just because" or to see if you were ok, I'd call you just to let you know that I got home safely, I'd call you t...o tell you about a little thing that just happened, whether it was about any of my cats and more recently Holly, or about the remodeling progress, I'd call you about a memory, I'd call you about a recipe, or anything at all.....you'd call me "just because", you'd call me when you were upset and wanted to talk, or if you wanted to tell me something funny, you'd call me just to see how I was feeling or what I was doing, I'd call you to tell you about appointments, I'd call you to see how you were feeling, I'd call you to let you know when I was coming over to see you, you were there for me with all my diagnoses (MS, cancer...), but the one thing I'm so very grateful for: we never hung up the phone or parted without saying "I love you".....it's going to be a rough road ahead without you in my life, but I am so happy for you, you're pain free in heaven! I love you so much Mom! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

#3

I promise I will never delete you, or replace you.

You will always be #3 on my speed dial. No one else could possibly fill this empty space, or fill the void in my life and heart.

#3 on my speed dial will always bear the name of the dear woman that I've loved so much all my life.....and whom I will love for all eternity.....my mom.

Take her hand precious Lord

I am so thankful for the many prayers, love and all the support from my friends on facebook and the many new ones that follow my blog. It's so wonderful for me, as a born-again Christian, to have the joy, comfort and peace of knowing that my mom will be rejoicing in Heaven one of these days soon, and to be with the loved ones that have gone on before her. Mom had a couple miscarriages, and to think that she will see those babies again is such a comforting joyous thought! Just think: she will see my daddy, all her 9 siblings, her parents, her friends, and so many others that have gone on to heaven before her. Yes, I will miss her so much, and more than words can say, but I know how much she has been suffering. She has been such a fighter and I respect her courage and will to live. I whispered to her yesterday morning to tell her it's ok to let go, to be with Jesus and Dad.....that me and all her kids will be fine and that we will join her someday in that glorious heavenly mansion that God has prepared for us! Just think! seeing Jesus face to face!!!! What wonderful peace that we have for knowing Christ as our Savior. I pray that every one of my friends on here know Him personally or will ask Him for forgiveness for their sins, to believe that Jesus died on the cross for their sins, and that he rose again the third day. I pray this, and pray that your loved ones have Jesus in their lives too, so when it's their time to go, you can rejoice knowing that they are going to heaven, with no more suffering and no more pain, and have the deep peace and joy that you will one day see them again!!! (John 3:16) ♥

Homesick

Feb. 21, 2012 at 1:30 a.m.

(In case you haven't read any of my previous posts, my mom was admitted to the hospital last Wednesday morning with congestive heart failure and having difficulty breathing, due to low oxygen and the fluid that has built up in her lungs.)

As I am sitting here in the Prayer Room at the hospital, I ponder as to what Mom is waiting for. There must be something left that she desires to accomplish before going home to heaven. One of her wishes has been fulfilled: that all five of her children would be in the same room with her. There's been discordance in my family for several years, and this was a wish that Mom has wanted for a long time.

It was heart wrenching for me to be in her room a bit ago. I had to get away and collect my thoughts, even if it was just down the hall in the hospital's Prayer Room. I feel God's presence and He comforts me. I've broken down several times after leaving Mom's side. I can't control the tears and the sobbing, and I don't want my mom to see or hear me. She is already in so much pain, and the nurse has given her a couple of morphine injections since 9:00 p.m.

I wonder what Mom is thinking as she is lying there: her eyes wide open and staring up at the ceiling. Not uttering a sound except for voicing her pain when both nurses have to turn her every couple of hours. I haven't heard my mom's voice for several days. I miss the sound of her voice and her laughter, and seeing that ornery twinkle in her eyes.

I wonder what Mom is waiting for. My own thought is that she is waiting to at least get well enough to go to her house with the three of us daughters. Her wish is to take us there and go through her cherished treasures and to give us the things that she wants us to have. That's something that she frequently talked about before she went into the hospital this last time. I had been reassuring her that we'd take her when the weather warmed up some. Mom has been ill and treated for some pneumonia/bronchitis for over four months, and consequently had some hospital stays, and was unable to go out.

I lay on a cot in her dimly lit room, wondering what we, as a family, can do to help our Mom, whom we love so dearly. She is on oxygen to help her breathe more comfortably, she is being injected with morphine to keep her pain under control, and she is receiving liquid nutrition intravenously. She is constantly being told how much we love her as we kiss her forehead or hold her hand. Are we doing the right things for her? I don't want her to be uncomfortable or have any pain. I lay here and can barely see her in her bed. I want to ask her what her wishes are. I want her to be able to tell me. Earlier tonight I asked her if she needed anything, and she barely moved her head back and forth, letting me know she didn't want for anything.

I just got home from the hospital. I didn't sleep a wink all night, as I was sitting with Mom. She looks so sad, and it breaks my heart. I journaled, I prayed, I talked to the nurses, I tried to rest, I prayed some more, I tried to get Mom to respond...this is the most difficult thing I've ever had to go through. Losing my dad was horrible (I have no words how horrible that was), but this is going on for months. Only God knows how much longer she can hold on and when He is taking her home. I wanted to stay longer this morning, but I just had to get home. She is still filling up with fluid, probably as fast as the Lasix is ridding it from her body. I can hardly stand to look into her eyes......I love her so much.

I've heard people say that their loved one waits for permission to let go. They wait to hear the words that it's okay to die, that we will be alright....that it's okay to go to be in Jesus' arms and see their loved ones. I just can't bring myself to say those words right now. Maybe I could if I was the only one in the family, but I have to consider the rest of the family's feelings and wishes. Even then, it would be hard for me to release her.....to let her go. Though I know for her sake, it would be the best thing for her. I love you Mom.

Words

It's too bad that after one exchanges the wrong words you can't return them back to your mouth, or even better yet, throwing the hurtful words into the garbage where they belong.

I have not been myself mentally the past several days, and just haven't felt right. I can't explain how I've been feeling, but it's just not feeling right and rather weird. I didn't even realize what was going on. All of my family was concerned about my eyes at the hospital cafeteria a couple of days ago. They said they were dilated and shouldn't have been; the pupils should have been small like theirs in the brightly lit room.

As I was driving home tonight from the hospital, something happened that has me really concerned and scared after realizing what thoughts were going through my mind while I was driving. I just remember being very tired, even though I had slept 12 hours the same day and the lines of the road were getting blurry. I pulled over in a small town along the way, and just sat there reflecting on the day, feeling extremely stressed and overwhelmed.

I arrived home, and Brian was on the sofa, and clearly upset with me. I sat alone on the sofa for a long while and finally I fell asleep around midnight. I woke up around 3:30 a.m., and I thought that I had been having a horrible nightmare, and when I realized that what I was dreaming had in fact really transpired over the past few days, I went into the bedroom to wake Brian up. I was bawling like a baby and almost hysterical over what has happened. He grabbed me by my shoulders and made me calm down and listen to him. He took me into our bedroom and as we were lying down, he told me he loved me, and he made me realize why he thinks this is happening to me. He knows I have not been myself, but just hasn't been able to pinpoint the problem, and hasn't verbalized his concerns. (He's a troubleshooter at work, and he has to process everything before he's able to fix the problem.) He didn't know what could be causing the changes in me, but he had been suspicioning medication. He knows me and he knows that I don't want to hurt anyone. After I settled down beside him in bed, he asked me about my medications and what, if any, have been discontinued and what new ones have been started. I think, through Brian's persuasion and love, he made me realize I've been having a terrible drug interaction the past several days. I saw my doctor several days ago and told him that I've been extremely depressed and exhausted (and having some MS symptoms) over my mom being in the hospital and her steady health decline, and just stress in general. It's so hard for me to deal with this mentally and physically. My doctor felt that my "old drug" was no longer working, and that he could  increase the dosage of that drug, but that he'd prefer to just prescribe a new drug for me to try. I quit the "old drug cold turkey" (which one should never do) and started two new ones.

The realization of these drug interactions (I am very chemical sensitive, just like my mom) made me really feel horrible and as I continued sobbing, Brian reassured me that he feels what has transpired, is fixable and can be forgiven. I pray to my Lord Jesus that this can be so. I want this more than anything.

I'm calling my doctor first thing Monday morning and letting him know how I've been feeling.

What a day that will be.....

Hi friends, I've been unable to post anything the past few days since I have had no internet access, though so many words are in my heart. I just can't express them yet. My beautiful Mom was taken to the emergency room early this past Wednesday morning when her oxygen saturation dropped to 88 and she had difficulty breathing. She is resting comfortably and peacefully. Please keep her in your prayers, for God's healing and His comfort. Only He knows when her time is to take her to her Heavenly home to joyfully reunite her with my daddy and the rest of her family. What a joyous day that will be. And what a joyous day it will be when God takes me home to be with them. I will try to write more later. Thank you so much for being my friends and visiting my blog.

Love is in the air.....





I remember.....snow days

My home from 1968 through 1975. White trimmed in green; the porch painted gray. The old cellar door there on the right hand corner of the house. I loved going down in that old cellar with my dad. The old dirt floor. I can just remember the smell and the dampness of it. Mom and Dad's beautiful dahlias were planted beside the cellar door under the kitchen window. I loved that long old front porch and at the end of it, the beautiful fragrant red roses that climbed up on the white trellis. The shrubbery in front of the porch had beautiful white flowers blooming on it in the springtime. That's my little sister by the light pole.  I remember that coat she is wearing!

My brother and I in the Colorado
Rocky Mountains. I was 3 years old
and he was 11.

This is the same house in the latter years that I lived there. I hated it when Mom and Dad decided to have the house sided in this hideous avocado green. My Uncle Bane and Dad did all the work. They tore off the wonderful old porch with its intricate columns and added this much smaller new one, which had a cold concrete floor surrounded by black rod iron railings. That's my oldest brother scooping off the snow from the roof.

My little sister and I. The
 snowman was wearing one
 of our dad's hats!

Yes, I remember. The snow was pure white; the sky a faded blue. I remember being bundled up and if I had fallen down, I wouldn't be able to get back up; I remember my red nose and my chilled fingers; I remember my toes being so frozen I thought for sure I had frost bite; I remember whenever we got snow it was at least up to our knees; I remember catching snowflakes on my tongue; I remember licking icicles and eating snow; I remember my mom telling me to not eat the yellow snow; I remember sledding with my friends, and wondering how I'd be able to walk home because I was so bone-chilling cold and I couldn't feel my toes; I remember making snowmen with my little sister; I remember making forts out of ice and snow; I remember making snow ice cream; I remember curling up in blankets to get warm after I came inside; I remember Mom's hot cocoa and marshmallows; I remember when snow days were my favorite thing.

Rules of the clothesline.....and morning muffins

My sister Judy, me and Mom
The era of the clothesline

You have to be from a certain era to know what a clothesline is. As I drive through the countryside on one of my many "photo shoots", I see so many dilapidated old clotheslines, and I think it's so sad that they're no longer in use. They're usually blanketed in weeds and the lines are either sagging or broken.

I have memories of my 5 foot 1 inch Mom hanging clothes on the line. She would lug heavy wet clothes baskets outside to the line, which was no easy task. Especially for a family of 6 or 7!

How many of you can even remember wringer washers? I used one when I lived on the farm in the 70's. Instead of washing filthy coveralls and livestock blankets in the good washer, I'd use the old wringer. I'd then hang them out on the clothesline, even in the bitterest of bitter cold, and let them "freeze dry".  I remember a story that my mom told me one time. It was of one of my Grandmas using a wringer washer.....and leaning over and getting a certain body part caught in the wringer part of the machine. I cannot imagine!

My mom told of me one special memory of her and my Grandma. My Grandma's birthday is April 11th, and Mom was due to have me "any day now" in the year of 1956. So Grandma had put Mom to work by hanging out clothes on the line, trying to get Mom's water to break.....but to no avail.....I was stubborn and wasn't born until the afternoon of April 12th!

Another story that I vividly remember.....and you'll see why I remember it in a minute. I was probably around 3 or 4 and I was happily "helping Mom hang out the clothes". I was having a fun time! Not a care in the world! Back then, all the kids ran around the yard barefooted.....and because of that particular fashion, I painfully remember stepping on a wasp! 

I thought you might enjoy reading what I stumbled across earlier today. I found the following Basic Rules of The Clothesline from a fellow-blogger:

THE BASIC RULES FOR CLOTHESLINES OF THE PAST:

1. You had to wash the clothes line before hanging any clothes.....walk the entire lengths of each line with a damp cloth around the lines.
2. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order, and always hang “whites” with “whites,” and hang them first.
3. You never hung a shirt by the shoulders.....always by the tail! (I learned the hard way on this one! Little puckery divet-thingy's on the shoulders!)
4. Wash day on a Monday! Never hang clothes on the weekend, for heaven’s sake! (Working full-time, I washed whenever I got around to it!)
5. Hang the sheets and towels on the outside lines so you could hide your “unmentionables” in the middle. (I remember doing this!)
6. It didn’t matter if it was sub-zero weather.....clothes would “freeze-dry.”
7. Always gather the clothes pins when taking down dry clothes! Pins left on the lines were “tacky!” (Being the somewhat neat-freak that I try to be, yes I did remove all the clothes pins and put them in my little clothes pin caddy)
8. If you were efficient, you would line the clothes up so that each item did not need two clothes pins, but shared one of the clothes pins with the next washed item. (I did this!)
9. Clothes off of the line before dinner time, neatly folded in the clothes basket, and ready to be ironed. (I wasn't that picky!)
10. Fresh sheets on the bed guarantee a good nights rest! (Oh I do love the smell of clothes dried on the line.....such a sweet clean scent! Nothing like it. Downy tries to emulate that scent in one of their fabric softeners, but it doesn't even come close to the real thing! There's even a candle called "Fresh Linens" that doesn't cut it either!)

And here's a recipe to go along with all the hard work:

Low Fat Banana Muffins

• 3 ripe bananas
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 egg
• 2 Tbsp vegetable oil
• 1 1/2 cup flour
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp salt
• Cinnamon sugar (combine some cinnamon with sugar)

Directions:

• Mash the bananas and stir together with sugar, egg and vegetable oil
• Combine the dry ingredients
• Mix together just until combined well
• Put into muffin cups and sprinkle with cinnamon sugar
• Bake 375 for 14-16 minutes. Yield: 1 dozen

Enjoy with a glass of milk or coffee!